This is an “imaginary” alternate State-of-the-Union address (with a few revisions by yours truly) that’s been making the rounds as an e-mail forward. I don’t agree with all of the points in the “speech” (or even most of them), but I thought it was funny nonetheless.
Submitted for your amusement:
My fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraqi regime has been completed. Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. We’ll be distributing copies of both lists later this evening, except to Helen Thomas.
Let me start by saying that, effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 will cease immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third-world hellholes and watch those governments’ leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations: screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades.
We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the mayor of New York city to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles with more than two unpaid parking tickets located in Manhattan to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors: Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around; guess where I am going to put ’em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty — starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska — which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: Pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, “darn tootin’.”
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks, guys; we owe you and we won’t forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America. Thank you, and good night.